“Bless his heart, but that boy came out looking like a barrel of dead dicks, excuse my French”
DURHAM, NC - I have to come clean and say Krispy Kreme's aren’t in my general wheelhouse of dieting. It’s a cold April morning however, and I’ve been told on good authority that next to heaven, a glazed original with a hot coffee outside is other worldly.
“Scratch that, my mistake big guy, it would be: Heaven, getting a shout out from your OnlyFans queen, then a hot coffee with a single donut!”
Brandon K. Walker is smiling, eyes bright and full of life. He’s clean cut with some slight balding heading his way (“low T-count cause I think my dad has always been a coward”) and a little bit of a gut hanging on him. Without a sip yet of our large coffees this early in the morning, Brandon has the energy of a man who still believes the world still has hopes for him.
Seated outside the Durham location, we have the beautiful view of US-70 BUS roadway. Beyond the four lanes of bumper-to-bumper traffic this morning, the slight-smile from a Wendy’s across the way seems to be a good omen shining on us. Besides the low hum of motors, there’s a calmness around this area that Brandon’s all too familiar with.
“1990, hand job, numero uno”, he smirked, pointing to a Bojangles down the street from us. “Parking lot, she’s on the bumper, I’m pinching the end of a Kool, it was Heaven.” He looks up at me and sucks his teeth in; “Son, I busted so hard, anytime I hear ‘Welcome to Bojangles’, I get rock hard, but that’s for another time, I’ll leave it at that! 90’s hand jobs: they don’t make ‘em like that anymore.”
At 43, Mr. Walker looks to be 60. Childless (“So the ladies know I’m loose out here”), and in debt (“I’ll say this, no one can steal my money if I don’t got any, and also, please don’t report that”), he’s never not shown me anything but kindness and a childlike demeanor. Even with all of his enthusiasm, there’s always been a growing dark cloud about his current situation that brought me to him for this piece.
“These kids talk about being ‘thirsty’. Listen, I ain’t thirsty, ok?
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Part I: Current Numbers
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As it stands in the United States the numbers of those incarcerated in the Horney Jail System are hard to come by: federal and State institutions incarcerating those into the system don’t keep a direct database or otherwise ignore calls from legislatures and the wider public for transparency. But crunching numbers made accessible by the ACLU’s work with partner organizations Pornhub, Xvideos, and BangBros, there’s roughly half a million Americans incarcerated in the system today.
“It’s definitely undercounted from my estimation” says Pornstar & Activist Rockard Dic. “We just don’t have all the available data points or resources to create an up-to-date statistical model of how many of our fellow citizens are being thrown away”.
The advent of the internet and in due course social media being a daily necessity, it seems it was only a matter of time before legislation passed in both state houses and the federal levels to institute levels of decorum to being very, very horny online.
“It started were any bad legislation starts: from a good place”, Mr. Dic continued, “However what we have and currently seeing now are people being thrown into a system for being human, and it’s not right in my opinion. Also, I’m due for a scene, could you lube up my asshole for me?”
Introduced in 2014 Simpology derived its term form the early 1990’s, Ice-T’s 1987 “Our Most Requested Record [Long Version]”. Loosely, it’s been an under used Major in many public and private institutions of higher learning, with an emphasis in studying of horniness from a social and psychological perspective, including examining what goes beyond the lines of ‘thirst’, why people ‘thirst’, and how to prevent ‘thirst’. While it hasn’t been widely adopted by young minds currently, certificates and policies have been adopted by law enforcement agencies across the country, and a shadow industry has followed in they’re wake.
“Being horny is fine man, shit I’m horney right now come to think of it. But once you send that tongue-peach emoji, it’s on,” says horny bounty hunter Julia Ramos. They started the Horney-exclusive bounty hunting company, “u up?” In 2014, and have seen a steady incline of profits and clientele year after year. “We literally send, ‘u up?’ to our targets via sms, messenger, carrier pigeon, whatever, and we literally nab them every time”, she says. “It’s too easy. Like shooting dicks in a fucking barrel. A very Horney, very gross barrel.”
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Part. II: Back Home For A Bit
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Brandon and I finished our doughnuts and coffees and headed over to his family home in Morehead Hill, just east of Duke University. He has a thing for classic metal, but prefers classic songs like “Born in the USA” and “We didn’t start the fire” with a twist: “Gotta add some dubstep to the motherfucker’s man, it’s like seasoning to these Prime Rib tunes, ya know?”
I clearly didn’t know, and would’ve preferred to have never known, but this was who Brandon was. His mother has owned the house since 1985, using the money she’d won in a lawsuit against Duke university’s Birthing Center for malpractice when delivering her son, Brandon. “Bless his heart, but that boy came out looking like a barrel of dead dicks, excuse my French” she told me. “I’d be lying in front of you and the good Lord if I was to say I didn’t scream and kick what I thought was a demon coming outta my snap-trap” she said dryly, lighting up a Pall Mall and fidgeting with her pocket knife. “It was really a historic case, look up, ‘Unattractive Nuisance Case NC Carolina’, you’ll find me, ain’t that right B-dog”, she screams to the other room Brandon is sitting in. “YES MAH”, he screams back angrily.’
“He may be busted, but he’s my busted boy. I truly love that fool.”
Brandons home life may be a glimpse into his current case. In 2017, using the popular app Snapchat, he had been in contact with the Plaintiff Erin Cliffton. “They were cute and whatever, and I said ‘know what, it’s a Wednesday afternoon and I called out sick cause of a hangover.’ This is primo hookup time for me, ya know”, Brandons deposition reads to the court. It further shows how Brandon became frustrated after being ignored for several hours after their initial back-and-forth, further-and-further in the details making one assume a sexual encounter may be on the horizon. “And poof, they pull a Kaiser Sousa on my ass and disappear. And what’s worse, they disappear on my dick.”
“Sir, this is a Court of law. Watch the language”, the judge is quoted as saying.
He did what millions of people had done since the advent of sharing via the internet: he sent a pouty-lipped, emoji filled picture through the Snap app. “And that was the beginning of the end for me”, Brandon told the court. “I felt like a real Don Quixote de la Asshole after that”, the deposition continued. “When did being a little Horney be a crime?! Free Meek!”
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Part. III: The Law
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Before I even sit down with Sheriff Stevenson, they tell me, “Listen, I don’t take sides, right? I’m your classic alcoholic Sheriff.
Sometimes I get sauced and check out that new porn site TikTok, ya know? Get my old ass rocks off. Sometime’s I message, or DM as y’all like to put it, but I don’t send no nasty emojis or a pic of my downstairs horse shoes, heaven forbid. I’m not one to judge others who do so, but I still gotta enforce the law. Horny law”.
They continue, “It’s all a trap I believe. I’m not a conspiracy nut over here, but c’mon: the internet was MEANT to connect people, for ideas and thoughts and what have you. A majority in that cake called ‘whathaveyou’ is in large part pics of dicks and tits. And to put people in jail for asking for some sexy talk? Shit.”
Even though it may seem like a new concept to many reading, the presence of pro and anti Horney jail activists have been with us all along. Activists looking to topple and end this form of genital apartheid have been Booby Brown, Sam Cook, Dolly Parton, Booby Brown again, Rick James (RIP), Yo-Yo MA, and Bobby Brown.
While the list of Hollywood and entertainment have been a presence in stopping what they deem genital apartheid, those who support it are just as numerous: your shitty ex, men who describe their ideologies with a reference to any type of “Pill”, White Nationalists masquerading as “No Nut November” Bros, Hoteps who say their Pro family aka anti-LGBTQIAA+, Booby Brown, and the such.
